Monday, September 10, 2012

The Diary of a Pregnant Lady...

Now that I've reached the 36 week mark, there's no doubt about it. Yes, it's officially OBVIOUS...I'm knocked up, Folks! Consider yourselves privileged because my blog readers get to see the preggy pic (yes...singular).  I'm not posting weekly belly updates on facebook.  I just can't do it...

I've been keeping a running list (you KNOW I love lists) of my belly laughs to make light of my discomfort while trying to convince myself I don't feel miserable and exhausted all the time.  So I thought I'd share my list of belly laughs with you.  

Belly Laughs
  1. Preggy Classes? No Thanks.  Each time I go to the doctor, they ask if I've registered for any prenatal classes yet.  Not interested.  Isn't that what a doctor is for?  And I'd like to also think that being married to a soon-to-be nurse also comes with perks of getting to skip out on these "extra curriculars." Joan, the nurse, kept suggesting that if nothing else it would be a great way for me to get to know some other Preggies who are in my same phase of sounds more miserable to me than spending my evening off with a bunch of hormonal strangers!  Pass.  If Snooky can have a baby,  I can have one.  
  2. I'm so HOT! And no...I'm not talking the "You're SMOKING H-O-T-T" hot...I'm talking about the sweaty swamp ass hot.  YOU try growing a person and keeping your cool!  I'm sweating ALL the time...if I ever PLAN on doing this a second time around, remind me to get my baby growing on over the cooler months of the year.  Because preggy shorts DON'T work.
  3. Don't drop the soap!  Taking a shower with an enormous bump in your middle is a little more challenging than just standing under the water and lather, rinse, repeating...I never realized how frequently I drop that slickery soap bar until it's near impossible to bend over to pick it back up.  TOTALLY need to invest in this soap-on-a-rope stuff.
  4. What's the point of an appointment? Now that I'm in the homestretch these doctor's appointments are MUCH more frequent.  I can finally say I like my doctors.  I don't get high blood pressure going to the office anymore, BUT I'll tell ya what DOES make my heart rate go stinkin' appointment times.  Each time I leave the office I spend five minutes with Carol going over their appointment calendar so we can figure out when I can get squeezed in for my next visit.  You'd think since they take this calendar so seriously that they would run according to schedule. Nah.  When they say 10:30 they mean, come in at 10:15, sit there for 15 minutes, go pee in a cup, sit there for 15 more minutes, get called back to get weighed, then escorted into your exam room...wait for 15 more minutes for the doctor to come into your room, talk to you for five minutes and then say "ok! see you next time!" Gee. Thanks Doc.
  5. Speaking of Peeing in a Cup...This isn't something that I've had TONS of practice doing prior to this phase of my life...but I never recall peeing in a cup being SO difficult.  If only a lady had some sort of a manly nozzle for the cup peeing thing, it would make this feat SO much easier.  It didn't take me more than a few tries, after my middle expanded, to start grabbing a latex glove on my way to the whizzer so I can avoid getting covered in my own wee when I go.  You know how tricky it is to hit that cup, while holding up your belly so you can kinda see and catch what's going on down there!?!?
  6. Since we're talking about taking a whiz...Did you realize you use core muscles to do things like sit on the john, or WIPE!? Yeah. True Story.  When your core muscles are all stretched out and pretty dysfunctional you learn quickly how frequently you use those little guys...cuz they hurt doing the simplest things! Sitting up, rolling over, sitting on the toilet! Laugh it up...but I KNOW my fellow preggies feel me on this one!
  7. Tummy Time...I miss you! I'm a tummy sleeper.  Yes. Yes.  I know, you're supposed to sleep flat on your back for your spine, but you can't even do that during pregnancy.  You're permitted side sleeping.  I wake up each time I move (cuz it hurts) and then when I gaze over at Tommy sawing logs while sleeping on his stomach I just get so envious of the things I miss most.
  8. Cravings are a hoax...I think these cravings everyone talks about are a hoax.  I haven't had one yet.  TOMMY has had more cravings than I have.  The whole pickles and ice cream thing? Yeah, not real.  If it is real, I feel ripped off!  I haven't had any urges that required sending my man out on these crazy midnight snack runs.  Tommy, however, has enjoyed saying things like "Does the babet need some double fudge brownie Ben & Jerry's?!?" WELL IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...Bring it on!!  I think Tommy has been a little disappointed in my lack of "excusable cravings" so he has been doing his fair share of trying to tempt me so we BOTH get to splurge.
  9. I'm a Puffalump Chump.  Anyone remember Puffalumps? Anyways, with preggyness usually comes swelling in places that it shouldn't (aside from your belly, your chest, your hips and your bum...).  My fingers and toes are trying to get in on this swelling action.  I don't mind it THAT much except for the fact that I can't wear my wedding rings and my fave shoes!  Funny side note -- our regional director came to the hotel a couple weeks ago and made a comment to my boss about me having a lot to prepare for getting ready to become a single mother. PAHAHA!  Oh geez.  At least if I could wear my rings I could show off more easily OUR child's legitimacy.  I just hope my feet shrink back to cute and small.  My shoe collection has been expanding since my feet stopped growing in 9th grade.  I would hate to have to start over. 
  10. Baby Bjorns vs. Strollers.  EVERYONE raves about the Baby Bjorns.  I do think these inventions are genius (Go Swedes!) and strollers also seem to be a parenting necessity. Now that we're expecting a baby of our own I notice things.  1. Babies and kids are EVERYWHERE. And they stare at pregnant people and point.  2. Some babies and kids seem miserable to be around in public places (Please God. Bless me with a behaved child.).  3. People take strollers in the weirdest most inconvenient places!  THIS is the thing that seems crazy to me.  The stroller is a handy gadget that can serve multi purposes since it wheels your baby around AND totes your stuff...but it seems CRAZY to me when we got out to a restaurant and people bring their stroller into dinner!  Let me just paint a picture of how this works for you...pack up stroller, put it in the car. Pack up kid. Put her in the car.  Pack up husband and get in the car with him.  Get to restaurant, unpack and assemble the stroller.  Unpack kid and move into stroller.  Unpack husband and walk to the restaurant...(what is this FIVE FEET AWAY!? Was wheeling her really necessary??) Get in restaurant, bumble and crash around with stroller, wait to be seated, get seated and HOG UP an aisle way with a stinkin stroller.  People, just leave the stroller in the car!!!  So, I think for these short little trips where you have a small walk from car to destination carrying the baby or the Bjorn seems much more reasonable.  People RAVE about the Bjorn.  People have been asking if we're pumped about Bjorning our baby...Tommy is SO pumped about it.  I've been Bjorning her for the past 9 months so I think I'll let him take the papoose for her first drive :) Sidenote -- My cousin's cousin named one of their baby's Bjorn. I love Swedes.  
Preggy Poll:

Any of my fellow preggies use the Baby Center app or email newsletter to track your weekly progress?  I've been getting a kick out of it because it gives you the play by play each week of what you're feeling, things to do and how big the baby is.  While I do like this...there have been weeks when Baby Center throws some crazy curve balls at us and says "This week you're the size of a Crenshaw Melon" or "Swiss Chard" or "Rutabaga"  What the CRAP is a Crenshaw Melon!?  I get it.  You're trying to keep veggies and fruits on the brain because that's what the baby needs...but can't you just make more sense in my brain...tell me things like "This week, you're a basketball." Maybe those things won't make my mouth water, but neither does a jicama or a poppy seed?!

Ok. So I've stalled LONG've read my entire post of my Belly Laughs.  You shall be rewarded with the ever-so-requested "Belly Pic" people seem so nuts about.  So THANK YOU for reading my blog.  In return, here is your pic!...36 weeks with TBD to go...

And just for a crazy visual...look at my puffy toes and my crazy cankles!! 
So much for my dainty little feet, eh?!