Friday, March 9, 2012

Chelsea Lies!

The Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me was yet another gut buster!  I found myself lying in bed cracking up at the hilarious stories of Chelsea's life...reading a Chelsea book may or may not be a good strategy to unwinding after a long day.

My friend Ali let me borrow this book, which is totally fitting since she's the easiest person to prank EVER! Chelsea would be so proud with some of the pranks I've pulled on Ali.  Like the time I sent her a text saying "HI" and she responded with "Who is this?"(I had no idea she got a new phone and didn't have my number in it yet...JACKPOT!!)  Of course I hesitated before I responded, then replied with "It's me, Tom...from"  She replied several texts trying to convince me she didn't know "me" but I told her I got her information from BobcatSingles and saw her smoking hot pic and I couldn't wait to get together with her.  We went back and forth via text for about an hour till her younger brother Jon started CALLING ME to tell me off (Good Job, BJ!).  

Then there was the time she was hanging out at our house with my sister, Ev and she left her "smart" phone laying around unattended.  Her phone was just staring me in the face saying "Update my facebook status..." I had to.  Moments later "Ali" broadcasted to her friends that she "loved the smell of her farts..."  14 comments later everyone thought she was SO HILARIOUS (including the parents whose kids she was babysitting) EXCEPT -- her buzz kill protective brother JON who says "Sounds like you got hacked." Oh SHE was hacked off all right....

But my favorite prank on Ali was the time she thought my sister had a severe bedwetting disorder.  Evie had spent the night at Ali's house, and the next morning when Ev came home she made the same foolish mistake her friend did...left her phone unattended in my presence. I sent Ali a message from Ev's phone saying:
"I have something to tell you but I'm scared."
Ali: "What Ev!? Are you ok!? You can tell me anything!!!"
Ev: "I'm just really embarassed.  I don't know what to do..."
Ali: "Ev....what is it?"
Ev: "Last night...I don't know what happened.  This keeps happening to several times a week... and I'm scared.  But...I...uh...peed your bed!"
Ali: "You did? I didn't even KNOW! Evie, what is going on????"
Ev: "I'm not sure Alex. But I'm for real scared. I don't want to tell my mom...and I'm sorry about the shorts you let me borrow last night..."
Ali: "Evie. I don't care about the shorts. I just wedmd'd bedwetting. It's a for real problem that can lead to more serious disorders. We NEED to tell someone. You need help immediately!"
[At this point I'm peeing my pants and rolling on the kitchen floor.  So my mom comes into the kitchen.  I was crying while I told her what I'd done.  Usually my mom rolls her eyes at my humor, but this time something came over her and she sent Ali a message that said "Evie smells weird today...what's up with that?!"]
Ev's phone starts blowing up with texts from Ali insisting she tells someone her secret.  Alex says she's leaving in a minute and is on her way over...This is where my jokes always go bad.  I don't know where to stop.  When I finally told Alex this was not real. She was pissed.  She always gets over it, but one of these days I'll be the boy who cried wolf.  

Like Chelsea.  She's totally the boy who cried wolf.  Each chapter is a testimony from her family and friends of how they were pranked by Chelsea.  Sometimes she reveals the truth, sometimes she doesn't. TOTAL Wolf Boy.  

Moral of the story...Read the book, laugh it up, AND DON'T leave your cell phone unattended in my presence.  I can't control my problem...and it's NOT bedwetting.