Sunday, June 10, 2012

Fifty Shades of Crap!

I bite my lip as I write this post...Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele are radiating Fifty Shades of Crap after completing the first book.  I can't believe that how many readers have been so enthused that they've devoured the entire series!!  I tend to be a sucker for trendy books, so when I'd heard this series was becoming all the rave I had to read it for myself to find out.  Suspicions confirmed -- CRAP!

I have so many issues with this book I'm not even sure where to begin with my gripes.  Since I've been on a groove with writing spoiler reviews of books I better go ahead and disclaim any spoiling now.

Issue #1 - There's way too much Twilight going on here for me.  This EL James character is getting rave reviews from fans, but I'm confused as to where these fans are getting a creative plot from because I feel like she just made a mortal version of Twilight...Here's her story:

Ana/Bella is this quiet gal who grew up with her mother.  She has a younger friend named Jose/Jacob that is quietly in love with her.  Ana/Bella's dad gave her a used VW Beetle/Beat up Truck to drive herself to and from work/school...

She becomes acquainted with a ridiculously good looking guy named Christian/Edward, who is adopted by his parents Carrick & Grace/Carlise & Esme.  Christian/Edward's father/mother is a doctor...(really!?)

It just drives me batty that EL's attempt was pretty lame to try and develop her own story line to write her TRILOGY that is being turned into a MOVIE SERIES!!!! (Sound familiar?!)

The icing on the cake with all these dang Twilight parallel's are that all the potential casting roles are going to be played by actors that have already been featured in some sort of vampire series...Eric from True Blood, Damon from Vampire Diaries...blah blah blah...
 

Issue #2 - If EL James has some real friends out there that might be reading this, please buy the woman a THESAURUS!  Because if her inner goddess bites her lip one more time, while Christian runs his long fingers through her hair...Oh jeez....I mean, seriously...Holy CRAP! 
AHH!! It really drove me nuts!

Issue #3 - WHERE IS THE PLOT!?  I will admit, going into the book I had heard what it was about so I was hooked in the first few chapters because I knew what was coming.  I was trying to figure out how this awkward girl, who is supposedly beautiful but no guys have ever paid attention to her before, is going to hook and sink this billionaire stud muffin love machine....

Once they started with their crazy sexcapade there wasn't much else to the storyline.  It was all about Christian getting his next "love" fix...Even when she wanted space and went to visit her Mom, he mysteriously shows up because he can't stay away...ANNOYING!  ESPECIALLY after that, you always just expect wherever Ana goes, Christian will show up, they'll hook up....Repeat.  Repeat. Repeat.

Issue #4 - This is going to be TMI maybe for a fella reader who reads this post...but the scene where she is on her period in the bathroom?! Come on. WEIRD! He takes the tampon out of her...gross.  Then the sexcapade begins, they fall asleep next to one another, but never talk about her period again, but the whole time (since it's day 2 of her period and he is THANKFUL for that) I can't quit envisioning in my head how much of a mess this chapter was...NASTY-ness!!

Towards the end of the book I started telling myself (and some of my friends who are also reading this book) I have no interest in continuing this series and I was hoping the end wasn't going to be some sort of a hanger...

THANKFULLY, the story ends with Christian beating up Ana, Ana getting pissed, then both of them getting sad.  They realize they're in love but can't be what the other needs/wants so Ana breaks it off and leaves.  Definitely not closure (since the plot hadn't even started yet) but that door closing and her leaving was enough for me.  Book 2 & 3 will not make it into my Kindle's library.  I can't even IMAGINE how this storyline can stretch out into a 1000 more pages!!! NO THANK YOU!

Please friends.  Invest the time you would reading this book in something more productive...like staring at the wall or twiddling your fingers.  You'll thank me later :)