A Mother's Guilt

After five months of my new reality, my lack of sleep is finally catching up with me. It's Official....I'm pooped. On top of my extreme fatigue, I've been experiencing these strange instincts or feelings of guilt since becoming a mom. I didn't have expectations going into this parenting thing, and no one is straight up making me feel in-the-wrong, but I just have these moments where I realize I'm  beating myself up emotionally about various motherhood scenarios that result in this inner guilt.  Do other moms feel this way? I guess this post is my way of airing out my dirty laundry in hopes that some of you are willing to admit you know what I'm talking about. Since you know how much I love lists, here it goes:

It look me a month to write this post. This is Pennie helping me blog, parked in her bumbo on Evie's desk.

My Top 5 Self Inflicted Guilt Trips

1. Your House is Too Dirty to Sit Guilt.  This is the guilt I feel when I've been working for 12 hours, I come home, pump, nurse, feed a family, rock a baby to sleep and I decide to sit down for a minute...I instantly start thinking: there's dishes that need washed, laundry that needs done, dogs that want walked....why do you think you can sit?!?!  So you get up and zombie walk to the kitchen to do dishes....for the 4th time today.  
2. The Morning After Guilt.  So I've been hearing all these baby paradise stories about wee ones that sleep through the night at three months. Its been five months and I'm still waiting for my turn for just one measly night of rest. We're still nursing, so this may be contributing, but Pennie wakes up these days about 5-6 times a night. I'm reaching my boiling point, so when I hear those milk thirsty cries I THROW THE COVERS OFF and scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!!!" Tommy wishes he could help but the whole 'not lactating' thing throws a curve ball his direction. So he rubs my back and sweetly kisses my forehead saying "Thank you.", "I'm sorry", or "I love you two." I wake up every morning resenting my sleep deprived reactions and feel like I need to apologize to Tommy AND Pennie.  Tommy, I'm sorry.  I love you too!
3. The Bow Chicka Wow Wow Guilt.  Being married to a hormonal woman who spends half of her time at home with her junk hanging out HAS to be kinda weird for a husband, or maybe it's torture?  Because maybe it puts you in the mood?  Well, having MY knockers sucked and pulled on for the majority of my day by a slobbering, crying baby OR a breast pump doesn't really make me want to do THAT in my "free time."  In the past, going to bed early might have meant 'grown-up FUN time', now it means something else.  Dear Husband, I'm sorry if I'm sending you mixed signals, and I'm sorry that your baby is cock blocking you.  I truly DO feel guilty about it. I promise my lack of mojo isn't permanent.  I'm madly in love with you too.
4. The Working Mom's Guilt. I spend a minimum of 10 hours a day at my workplace.  I'm thankful for a job that provides for my family, and I enjoy what I do for a living.  I also appreciate that it gives me mental stimulation in a world surrounded by stuffed toys, rattles and cartoons.   But after approximately the 9th hour when my boobs feel like they're about to explode, that means I'm ready to go home to my baby.  Once I get home, I pump (again!), nurse a baby (again!), do dishes (again!) and all I want is a little break.  At this point, Tommy or Evie have been juggling house work and a baby all day, so I feel this inner conflict...I miss my baby, and I want to hold her...I also feel like it's my turn to tend to her needs.  But she's busy and needs constantly entertained. This mama is TIRED!  So I feel guilty that I want to volunteer to do things like laundry or dishes (because these things are "a break" now).  
5. The You Don't Need That Guilt. I give many props to caffeinated beverages, as these are what fuel me to getting through a day. To you working-nursing moms who are dodging coffee and wine, I don't know how you do it!  It's what keeps me hanging on to my last ounce of sanity (since everything is measured in ounces for babies).  I have purchased more Starbucks in the past month than I have in the past two years! And the worst part is, it's not boosting my alertness AND I feel guilty about spending money on myself instead of a baby's savings or college fund...

At the end of the day I am eternally grateful for this precious gift of life Tommy and I have been given.  And there isn't a guilty feeling in the world that makes me wish I wasn't going through all of this right now.  I'm motivated constantly by telling myself  "This too shall pass."  And when Pennie has grown out of her majorly needy phase, I'll have pictures to look back and remember her cute bear suit, her drool covered chin, that toothless grin and tiny fingers.  I certainly won't be saving a photo montage of the towers of dirty dishes and piles of unwashed laundry...so those things too shall pass.  But my love for our family can only grow!  

1. 

Pennie Helping me do LAUNDRY! Check her missing sock! (I don't know why stinkin BLOGGER won't let me remove that stupid 1. on the list side of this photo....ARGH!)

The Art of Racing in the Rain

My Friends know that I'm a dog lover and a book reader, so it should come as no surprise that I love LOVE LOOOVED this book!  And even better...Tommy hasn't read it yet! Can you believe it? A book Tommy hasn't read...and he's more of a dog freak than ME!

So this book is about a few things I love: Dogs & Race CARS! I'm NOT going to spoil alert like I usually do with books I have complaints about.  Read it for yourself to find out how awesome it is.  It took me one paragraph to determine I was going to love the story.  It's a story told from a dog's perspective.  I mean, how many times have I wondered to myself "Hurley just winked at me...I wonder what he's thinking?!"  So this book is mega sweet. 

It had moments where I was crying AND laughing, and it has such a happy and somewhat spiritual ending.  This is the perfect written portrayal of 'Man's Best Friend' and any dog lover should read it. 

My new trick since being a Baby Mama, has been downloading kindle books to my smart phone.  I do have a Kindle and I DO love it so much, but it is a little tricky to maneuver with one hand while holding a sleeping baby in my other arm.  So the smart phone gig is a totally convenient reading mechanism for someone with their hands full. 

Download the kindle app (if it didn't come preinstalled on your phone) and then download the ebook and get ta readin, cuz this book rules!  I can't wait till Tommy reads it...he's going to LOVE the end! 

Dear Friends: I'm Sorry!

Dear Friends,

I write to you all in hopes to give you a glimpse and better understanding of what I go through each day.  Yes, I realize my last blog post was on December 2nd.  Am I abandoning the blog? What?! Are you crazy???  No.  I'm wishing I had a third arm so I have 1-2 hands/arms available to blog, while the other hand/arm does something like hold a baby, do the dishes or feed my face....VERY rarely I find myself with 30 seconds of spare time and I think to myself "Do I start a blogpost?...or go take a whiz??..." Then I have to remind myself my sleep deprivation is making me lack better judgement.  I've started leaving sticky notes or phone reminders to do things like take a shower and go to the bathroom.

What's that smell? Oh gosh.  Sorry, that wiff of sour cream is probably my shirt sleeve.  Pennie puked on me and I didn't have a burp rag within arms reach so I had to use my Go-Go-Gadget SHIRT!  Oh how I wish I was Inspector Gadget these days....

I'm sorry I haven't texted you back.  There are a few reasons for this unintentional ignoring.  Yes, I read your text and had every intention of replying. Your text did make me smile AND think of you.  First of all, when I'm holding a sleeping babe I can't risk a ringtone waking her up, so my phone most often is on silent. SECOND of all, auto correct is such an unpredictable pain in the butt...if I don't have two free hands I don't dare text you back.  After trying to respond to Tommy once and say "you got it" and I instead replied "Yeah go tits" I quickly learned texting while holding a baby is like texting while driving...baaaaaad idea.  It sure got Tommy all riled up though ;)

So I was thinking we could go out for dinner sometime and catch up? Oh wait...you know what?  I keep forgetting Pennie usually starts falling asleep around 7:30 and at that point, I need to still go to bed when she does since she's waking up every two hours.  You wanna come over? Eh...well, actually maybe we should hold off on that thought too.  Its been three months since I've been able to clean my house.  Dang, I really need to get on this third arm growing thing...

Thanks for the nice comments on my work wear.  Mostly wearing dresses these days due to the fact that my friggin pants still don't fit, and I can suck my gut in with tummy control tights.  I've been boycotting buying fat pants and occasionally am still wearing my maternity pants with the stretchy band.  Remember when I cried in the maternity store because I thought preggy clothes were preposterous?! What was I thinking?! Never again.  Preggy pants took my Thanksgiving feasting to a whole new level.

Attention chick blog readers.  I interrupt this news broadcast due to a fussy baby.  In keeping with the spirit of this blog post I, trusty husband and faithful father, have stepped in to finish this post for Lis as she has been called away for a feeding by our milk vampire.  Perhaps in another month and a half Lisa will be able to write another blog post and possibly finish it as well.  Until that time go about your lives and think of us as you go to the movies, go out to dinner and get to poo without being interrupted by blood curdling screams of milk lust.  Namaste

A Mom's UnFriends...

As promised here is a continuation of my previous post .  I had written about my new besties that I've become acquainted with since having a baby.  I continue to deepen my "relationships" with those things as each day continues to go by. For example, I'm writing this post with a baby strapped to my chest in the BABYBJORN .  Since this time of year everyone acts more thankful than normal, I must say, DANG I'm thankful for this gadget!

While there are a few things that I've learned to love, there are also a few things that I've grown to hate. If these things had facebook accounts I would UNFRIEND them.  Parenting definitely has it challenges (listen to me...I say this like I've been a mother for decades, it's been 7 weeks) and these little qwerks have not been making it easier.

I feel like so many moms paint this picture like parenting is perfect heavenly bliss.  Now I'm not trying to say that it isn't, because I wouldn't change my life for anything! But I've GOT to believe that there are other moms in hiding who share my dislike (when the crap is facebook going to make a thumbs down button!?) with these motherhood "snags" if you will...So anyways, THESE are the things that I could live without:

1. Hurley's Vocal Chords - Hurley is our dog. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly...but he does not make naptime easy for a baby OR the mom who is trying to use that time to catch up.  I've learned where the expression "Sleep Like A Baby" comes from.  If you think about it, a baby develops their ears at like week 18 or something?! So for 23 weeks Pennie's ears heard dogs playing, vacuums running, me crying and her dad whistling. She heard all kinds of noise. So she sleeps through most noisy disruptions during her naps -- except for Hurley's Bark.  It's so loud.  He seems to have gotten louder, but maybe I'm just hyper sensitive to our surroundings now. Hmm...and right now our neighbor on the other side of our wall seems to be loudly humming a song I've never heard before.  So here's hoping Hurley tones it down soon because this Mama might lose it if he doesn't.
2. Breastfeeding - If I got a nickel for every Mom who told me breastfeeding is such an amazing bonding experience, Pennie would have a pretty decent savings account started.  I was feeling pretty terrible when I wasn't experiencing this amazing bonding experience...I was having more of this feel-like-a-dairy-cow experience...So, nuff said...we're working on it.
3. Nursing Bras - So speaking of breastfeeding woes...the whole kit and caboodle, including the "nursing wear" is just too weird...They're not convenient. They're not reasonably priced AND all your junk still hangs out when you nurse your baby.  I have no issues with those who nurse in public places, but that will never be me...nursing get up or not. 
4. Houses without fenced in yards - I love our animals and I also love walking.  Typically, taking our dogs for walks throughout the day is a way for me to relax and unwind...but now that we have a baby that never naps, it's hard to take two dogs and a baby on a stroll to relieve our dogs. SO, a fenced in yard is something I dream about these days. 
5. Netflix, no autoplay WHAT!? - Taking care of a baby requires a lot of living room time.  We walk in circles, we bounce, we rock, we sing, we dance....WHILE watching TV. Haha. Some multi tasking eh!?  We watch Hulu & Netflix and we love both for different reasons, but my UNfriend in this sitch is that I really can't stand the fact that Netflix doesn't have an autoplay option. So after each 21 minute episode of a show, you have to repush play. Hey Netflix, HULU has one upped you with an autoplay feature! Step up your game!!!
6. Shopping Carts - Several stores have shopping carts that are compatible to the baby car seats and carriers. They conveniently hook right on to the baby seat section of the cart. Many of you know I'm a tad on the short side. So some carts are not so Lisa friendly because the cart with the carrier on top is so high I can't see where we're going! Costco's carts so far are definitely the worst! I can't see ANYTHING. So baby has to go INSIDE the cart and groceries go in the upper seat section.  Target carts are a little on the irritating side as well. BUT, I LOVE Lowes carts and Giant Eagle's carts (we're really living life on the wild side these days at Lowes, Giant Eagle, Target and Costco.).
7. Hormones - Last but not least...my stupid hormones are NOT my friend. No woman likes crying all the time, feeling like an emotional basket case or going through all these weird body changes. Stupid hormones...I don't like you. 

But after all these UNfriend snags, how about ending on a Friendly note?!  Take a look at this pic and try not to smile. Bet you can't do it!!! Baby Bowlin loves eating her Bjorn.  I need to be a poster child for the Bjorn, seriously! Couldn't live without it!  If you're a mom of a tiny one, you need one of these!

A Mom's Best Friends

I'm still not sure that I feel like I've earned the title of Mom, but we're definitely in loooove with our Pretty Pennie, and she is giving us lots of parenting practice. Now that we've been practicing for a month, I've acquired a few new essential friends that I've learned I can't live without:

1. Baby Pennie - Duh. I've fallen for this sweet little bundle and she's my new bestie.  Sometimes she makes me cry when I have no idea what she wants or what I'm doing, but then she squeaks out her little 5 week old smile it makes my heart melt.  Can't live without her.
2. Dry Shampoo - This  toiletry has become one of my new best friends.  Those mornings you wake up and have a screaming baby that needs you to feed her, play with her, change her and just rock and cuddle, I find myself fretting about my everyday hygiene..."When am I going to shower?", "I wish I could brush my teeth...", "I really, reeeeally have to pee!" Anyways, dry shampoo is an amazing wonder that lets your shower time eliminate the whole hair washing regimen...followed by the eternity it takes to dry my thick mane. I'm obsessed. Now if only there was dry toothpaste, dry showers or dry bathroom breaks (not sure how those could work...but still)!
3. BABYBJORN - I'm developing a reputation on our block -- Neighborhood Crazy Lady. Picture this: A Lady walking down the street with the a baby strapped to her chest, walking two dogs, squatting down to pick up their doo-doo with a noise machine nestled inside her shirt to calm her baby.  Yes. The "Lady" is me.  Can you imagine what people are thinking when they walk passed me with the dogs, a baby and the sound of a babbling brook coming from my chest? Thank GOD for the Baby Bjorn. 
4. Relax Melodies: A white noise app - Speaking of the babbling brook coming from my chest...it was really the AWESOME "Relax & Sleep" App that I could now never get sleep without. Because I need white noise to sleep? No, because it helps babies sleep. Amazing friend Bethany informed me of the Mommy secret that babies are comforted by weird loud sounds that mimic what they heard in the womb.  Some of the sounds on the app are a little weird, like the Buddhist Monk Choir (pretty sure there wasn't one of those in my uterus, so we don't play that noise for her)...but she seems to be put in a trance by the Fountain sound. Click on the link. This one is free.
5. Library Smart Phone App - I will never love a library more than I loved Columbus's Downtown Metro Library, but Pittsburgh's Carnegie Library is pretty awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it has its own free app. Yes I love my Kindle, but when your hands are full with baby and you've got a babbling brook coming from your phone anyways, why not read a book from your phone? I checked them out from the library, on my phone, while holding a hungry baby.
6. Coffee - to list coffee as one of my essential new besties is pretty much an understatement. I would not be functioning without it. And now since I'm averaging between 4-5  hours of sleep a night (if I'm lucky), a cup of joe in the evening is also a necessity. My coffee machine has recently lit up a blinking light indicating "CLEANING TIME"...how?!
7. Spit Up - One would think for as often as I'm wearing those cheesy spit up chunks and smelling like baby puke, that I'm new besties with spit up. Or perhaps it makes people think that I love the smell? Nooooope. But since this seems to inevitable...I think I need to work on my feelings towards this "friend"...

Stay tuned for my next list of not-so-besties...Duty calls! My baby that sleeps with her arms up is starting to gurgle and fling her little arms at me. 

Letters to Pennie...

So I'm still off the grid with the whole blogging thing, but I've been wanting to check in quickly with at least SOMEthing to keep you all baited for what's to come.

As most of you know, after a long nine months of working and growing a baby, she finally arrived!  Since we boycotted reading any books prior to her arrival, we've been winging this whole parenting thing. It's a little overwhelming, but we love our little bundle and are quickly getting the hang of our new joyous reality. We never imagined we could have so much love! AND for a BABY!!! I love a BABY!! Can you believe it!? I'm serious. Crazy about her.

So I've been keeping my lists of blog ideas that should make you laugh, but in the meantime, I thought I'd share a post of Tommy's "web log" he wrote to our future baby a few months ago. It's hilarious and so sweet.  Since I'm hormonal and crying a lot for no reason, it made me get misty eyed.  I thought it was cute and worth sharing since many of you have been asking for SOME sort of blog update.

So without further adieu, here is a sweet little letter that Tommy wrote to his future daughter while she was still cookin'!  We called her "Bobbin" for a while because the name "Penny" meant "Bobbin Weaver"....not sure what that is? But her code pre-birth baby name was Bobbin for a few months. Here's the cute note (now I'm off to go snuggle my little bundle of love).

Hi Bobbin,

     As your dad (which sounds weird to me right now, but I’m sure will turn into the most important moniker in my life) I wanted to impart some words of wisdom to you as you grow and become your own wonderful person.  I am not the wisest man in the world, far from it (probably in the bottom 3% of human kind), but I have lived through lots of things in my life so here are some things I have learned:

1. Think before you speak.  Seriously, everybody wants to talk all the time but they have nothing important to say.  Make your words count and people will listen.
2. Learn to throw a ball.  Girls who can’t throw balls look really ridiculous!  Hehe.  Your Mom can throw one really well and that’s something I love about her.  All guys like a girl who can play with them, so we’ll work on this!
3. Save your love for someone who deserves it.  Life is full of heartache, especially in the teen years.  Save yourself from some and realize that you are great and only deserve someone who is equally great.
4. Along those same lines, boys are idiots.  They don’t want to be just “friends”.  Except maybe in rare cases or they are gay boys. 
5. Be decisive.  Find what you are good at in life and stick with it.  It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life..  Your Mom and I will support you in whatever you do, unless you want to become a professional roller skater or VCR technician.
6. A strong work ethic will get you very far in life.  Your Mom is the best example of this I know!  Talk to her about it..  Hehe.
7. Love God.  Talk to him and listen to him and everything will be ok.
8. Dogs truly are man (and woman’s) best friends.  Except for little stupid yippy dogs.  Those don’t count.  They aren’t real dogs.  They are more like cats and cats are dumb.  Cute, but dumb.
9. If you take after one of your parents, pick your mom :o).  She is well balanced, unafraid of life and genuine.  Take notes.
10. School is important.  I hated school until I was able to choose what I wanted to do with it. Any source of learning is critical even if it’s boring.  This is coming from a lifelong student. :o)
11. Learn punctuation and how to spell.  Grammar errors are the world’s biggest problem; don’t contribute to them.
12. Don’t be afraid of anything.  Life is too short to be a wuss.  Unless any of the following are involved: Sharks, ghosts, zombies, satan, someone with a gun, AIDS, undercooked meat, drugs, country music, under water pictures, clowns, or Tyler Perry.
13. My head and my heart generally tell me two different things which can be confusing. I go with my gut.  It’s always right.
14. Books are one of the most wonderful things ever created.  If the choice is TV or a book, pick the book unless there is something really sweet on the tube like the Olympics, or the book is Twilight or something by Nicholas Sparks.
15. If you ever find yourself in a situation lacking food, get some peanut butter.  Not only is it delicious, but also semi-healthy and will keep you full.  
16. Don't fart in an elevator, someone will get on right after you do and know YOU did it!  At least wait until right before you are waiting to get off, rip a huge one, then hit all the floor buttons before you run out so that person is stuck with it on every floor in the building.

We are super excited for you to come.  Hurry up.  I don't have an exam this week so start swimming toward the light baybet!

Namaste 

If you like Hunger Games, you'll like Divergent!

I'll start out saying I was a fan of this book.  While the general concept of the book reminds me a good bit of the Hunger Games idea, Veronica Roth has taken enough of her own twist that the storyline keeps you engaged to read to the end.

In this particular dystopian novel, rather than the futuristic government setup of having "districts", Divergent's idea of government are divided into these "factions."  By the end of the book, I'm annoyed by the word "faction", but just temporarily get over it cuz they talk about it CONSTANTLY.

At a certain age, children must choose their "destiny" and basically go through a faction try out training.  Each faction: Amity, Erudite, Abnegation & Dauntless, all embrace different characteristics that define your being.

The main character, Tris (Beatrice), decides to go wayward from the faction in which she was raised since she never fully felt like she belonged in her family born faction.  When leaving your faction and attempting to join another you have to go through an initiation and training.  Once you abandon your faction, you can never go back, and only a certain number of initiates are accepted into their "chosen" faction.  So there is tension and suspense with this aspect of continually wondering who will get the boot and become what they call "factionless"...which is basically just a pathetic version of a really homeless outcast.

The idea of these factions are a little robotic for me.  Could you imagine living in a district or a city surrounded by people with your personality traits?  I guess for some traits this might not be an issue, but for strong willed, independent individuals this sounds nighmare-ish!  And this seems to also lead to where the mystery of "DIVERGENT" develops.  The book never really defines Divergent because Veronica wants us to all read her second book.  But she implies that a Divergent is somehow a faction rebel.  These divergent are kind of referenced like a Voldemort or "Those We Don't Speak of" from The Village.  They're probably going to break down this whole stinkin "faction" thing and recreate world peace :)

I think the Divergent are really level headed, smart peeps who get that this faction crap is bull...(there is this weird hair or something stuck in my letter "s"or "w" key on my keyboard...I can't see it, but I feel it and it's driving me nutsoid!).  The story ends abruptly kinda like a "walking into the horizon" type finish...leaves you wondering: where're they going? what's going to happen next? are they divergent now? what the stink is divergent?!!!

This book wasn't as bloody as The Hunger Games, but the love story twist in it was appropriately enough.  I get pissed in books where the girl pulls two guys along on a string or can't make up her mind and causes all this drama that's not even relevant nor does it enhance the story...KATNISS!!!  There's a little side love fest going on in Divergent and it's just enough that it's not distracting from the story, if it goes somewhere great....if it doesn't who cares!  So I liked that angle.  The book also has a little Matrix-y kinda feel to it with the simulation stuff and whatnot.

Still boggles my mind that Hunger Games is a Young Adult fiction book series and 9 year olds were reading it.  I think I'd class Divergent as a more appropriate Young Adult read for those parents of 9 year olds that feel bad for not letting your kid read Hunger Games...let them read this book.  (FOUND THE HAIR! Blasted thing was stuck in the letter "a" key! MUCH BETTER!!!)

Anyways, download the Kindle Book.  It's like $6.  Worth $6 for sure.  HEY! And how was THIS for a Lisa Book Review...I don't think I spoiled, right?  Tell me if I did...I'm trying to better about that. Some of my reads lately just get me so riled up that I have spoil to get my vent on...hehe!