Gone Girl - The craziest train wreck of a book I've read in a while...

I'm always intrigued by best sellers, and had been hearing pretty good reviews about this book so I read it myself to see what the hype was...

When I started reading it, initially, I was hooked. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a sucker for a good mystery story or anything that reminds me of law and order. The book is pretty suspenseful and it's one I found hard to pull myself away from...   [Bout to start spoiling....I'm giving you fair warning to stop reading if you haven't read the book yet]...UNTIL NICK STARTED CHEATING ON HIS WIFE, AMY!

Cheating and relationship infidelities always hit a nerve with me. I find myself rolling my eyes and get really disgusted with the story line.  I started finding myself waking up in the night slugging Tommy in the arm because I was having terrible dreams.  My husband and I were talking about the books we were both reading (cuz that's what we do for fun...I know, we're weird.) and when I shared with him how this book was getting to me, he suggested I stop reading it.  I thought about it for a sec...but I was hooked at least for some sort of remorseful resolve or something.

Soooooo....I kept reading.  It was like stupid Nip tuck (man...I'm all kinds of confessing tonight...terrible inappropriateness, but I couldn't stop watching.). The book was turning into more and more of a train wreck as I continued reading.  Thankfully (I can't believe I'm using that word to describe anything about this book) it turned out that Amy was just as crazy and unstable as her cheating husband.

Cheating husband, psycho wife...plots her own fake murder...frames her husband, runs away, comes back. Here's where I REALLY start getting annoyed. When she magically returns to town after being missing/murdered for a month she is just allowed to live with her husband no questions asked!?!!?!? COME ON!!!

I really did appreciate that the book was written well.  Lots of mystery books drive me crazy with loose ends that never become relevant and were just a waste of time...but Flynn did a great job of keeping my attention in the story line and tying everything together. It was definitely edgey...I mean there were nights when I couldn't stop reading.

Every night at dinner when I kept saying my book was continuing to become more and more of a psycho dramatic disaster, and I had no idea how all of this was going to wrap up and come together in a close so quickly.  Finally, I was twenty pages from completion and the plot was still thickening...the finish kind of leaves you in a place to choose your own end...which I couldn't believe...husband thinks he can finally convict the wife, tells her she's done for, but OH Wait! She's pregnant with his swimmers they froze years ago when they were meeting with a fertility doctor. SERIOUSLY!?!?! So I decided Nick and Amy were two psychos that could only tolerate each other. They would never be happy being happy...they would just find contentment making one another crazy.

So in hindsight, had I known more of the premise of this book I probably would've chosen another book instead. 

But all that to say...Thank GOD my husband rules. Love you, Tommy. Don't murder me. 

9 Months IN, 9 Months OUT!

Back in my country club employment days (shout out to the NACC!) I spent my days full time coordinating special events and programs for kiddos.  I spent the remainder of my "free time" teaching swimming lessons at the club.  I would even go as far to say I really enjoyed kids.  Over time my mentality changed...

It was a chilly summer day that I was rocking my one piece lifeguard suit in the NACC pool teaching my little man, Jack, how to swim.  Being a frigid day in the pool, you gals can relate, I was doing one of my trademark moves...hunch down in the water so nothing but your head is breaching the surface. My T-H-O was NOT something I needed to share with my swimming lesson OR his parents.  "Ok Jack, now JUMP off the steps and start scooping those M&M's and swim towards me, I PROMISE I'll catch you." (I will admit, I had some pretty good kid analogies for teaching the breaststroke.) 

Here comes the little red headed monster swimming towards me under the water.  I'm pretty pleased with him as he is listening to directions REALLY well.  As I prepare myself to give him an enormous amount of praise when I catch him, his little hands reach out to me and glide RIGHT past my arms as he grabs two handfuls of my knockers!!  He explodes out of the water and screams to the entire club membership "MISS LISA!! Guess what?! I GOT YOUR MEATBALLS!!!"...Well...you most certainly did and my face is officially as RED as my bathing suit.  The remainder of our lesson no matter how many times I said "scooping M&M's only, FORGET about the meatballs..." because of the reaction he got from the audience he spent his remaining 45 minutes of his lesson trying to molest me.

At that moment I decided this job is the best and cheapest form of birth control a girl could ask for, and I WILL NOT be having children in this lifetime.  So 4 years later when I'm sitting on the toilet staring at a pink stick with a plus sign, saying I'm pregnant, my head was spinning and instantly flooding with memories of being molested by club kids in the pool.  I started crying.  (Yes. I cried when I found out I was pregnant. Don't judge me, it happens.)  I was in such hysteria I woke Tommy up in the middle of the night sobbing my eyes out and made him call my mom because I was such a blubbering idiot.  Tommy made us wait until 5am to call her, so when we called her to tell her our "news" and she could hear my wailing in the background she instantly started CRACKING UP and just kept saying "This is going to be great and YOU are going to be the best parents EVER." 

My mom kept telling me "God gives you 9 months to prepare yourself for becoming a Mother, isn't that great?".  I kept saying "Yeah, when I'm not puking, or having heart palpitations over 140 BPM maybe I can start preparing..." I had 9 anxious months of sickness and no sleep and I just kept thinking 'What if my kid tries to grab her swim instructors boobs!?' or 'What if my kid tries to depants her camp counselor?!' or 'What if my kid poops her pants in the pool and the club has to call a code brown?!' (yes all of those things happened...)  For 9 months I was so nervous of the unknown.  I was never planning to make babies...how do I do this!?

Then 9 months ago, after 21 hours of "labor" (Stupid Pitocin. YOU are a female dog.) my Sweet Pennie was born.  I had to have an emergency C Section, so I couldn't see anything happening but could hear everything.  When Pennie was born and I heard her cry, I started sobbing.  I was so happy she was ok and she was finally with me.  After I got stitched up and moved to the recovery room they brought Pennie & Tommy to me and I was so happy and full of crazy emotions.  All moms speak of this instant connection and bond and I couldn't imagine it until experiencing it myself. But it is so real.  And after 9 months of looking like I ate a beach ball and feeling like I ate a smart car (see above photo) I couldn't believe this little bundle of baby could make me so content...AND SHE CAME FROM ME!?

So here we are 9 months post baby, with approximately 10 GB of baby photos (I know this, because I just had to order another SD card to store all my photos) I have no free time to myself, or free hands for that matter, and I wouldn't change a thing.  I stare at Pennie every day and think she is such a blessing and so amazing.  And to all the preggies who are spending your last solo days prepping your nursery and writing your birth plan -- CUT IT OUT!  Have a cup of coffee and put your feet up.  I feel like I didn't do anything right during my pregnancy and Pennie couldn't be more perfect.

So yesterday as Tommy and I were taking our evening stroll with Pennie and the dogs, I was daydreaming that maybe someday she'll sleep through the night, and maybe someday she'll take naps, and maybe someday she'll be still and cuddly like other babies we see...and Tommy quickly reminded me that I refuse to take naps, I don't sleep through the night and I don't like sitting still when things need done.  Sounds like she's her Mother's Daughter.  So watch out world!  Another 9 months from now, I will have a sidekick in my crafting, reading, cooking extravaganzas...and once she learns how to talk don't plan on being able to get a word in edge wise around the two of us. 

Just imagine her giving a peace sign here.  If she knew how to work those motor skills in her sweet, chubby little fingers, she would!  Instead she's showing off her awesomely, ADORABLE smile (and her pretty gums). 

Who is the April Fool NOW?

OBVIOUSLY, as you all know, today is April Fool's Day.  A favorite day of mine.  Last night before Tommy and I fell asleep, we were plotting what April Fool's pranks we might pull today.  As most of you know, my sister Evie lives with us.  We love Evie.  She's sweet, tall, beautiful, funny and loves long walks on the beach (all eligible bachelors may submit applications by commenting on my blog).  Anyways, she's also the most gullible person I know (besides her best friend, Alex) which made her my obvious April Fool's Day target.  So as Tommy and I were falling asleep, we were contemplating what pranks to pull on her today.  She stays up too late to complete my first prank choice.  I wanted to duct tape her into her room...

So this morning after she left for school, her prank baby was born....asianmendating.com!!  Tommy sent Evie an email from a bogus account that welcomed her to asianmendating.com  and told her that soon she will be receiving emails WITH pictures from many Asian men looking for a White American woman!  "We hope you enjoy our service and find the love you've been looking for blah blah blah..."  He left for school and told me to keep an eye on the email account in case she responded to it at all throughout the day.  Of course I welcomed the opportunity to take the reigns of this prank baby!

First, I created her first match, Shin Yu:

She didn't respond.  So then I sent this:

Subject: Wanna Meet? From Shin

Message: Hello Evie Thompson, For your security Asian Men Dating is being a mediator between you and your match.  Your match has sent you a message.  We recommend before meeting that you get to know your Asian.  Please read your Asian's message below and feel free to respond directly to this email account so you be sure your Asian securely and privately receives a message from you.

********BELOW IS YOUR MESSAGE*********

Hi Evie, My name Shin.  I hope you interest in meet up.  I so excited to see match with you on Asian Men Dating.com You believe fate?  I do. I practice English with American friends in Dunkie Donut.  You help me with English speak? I excite to see you.  You picture very pretty.  Your Truly, Shin

********SECURELY RESPOND**************

To respond to your match just reply to this email and we'll mediate for your security.

So THEN I created her second match, Ping Ki:

She still didn't respond.  So I texted her.  "Hey Ev! Have you gotten an account email from AT&T today?  I got this email from Verizon saying smartphones couldn't receive emails today, are YOU getting emails today to your phone?"

Waited...waited...she responded: "OH MY GOSH! YES!!!! I'm getting these really weird emails from Yim Mim!!! I think I got hacked.  I'm not opening them."

I thought to myself, ARGH FOILED!...Good job, TOMMY! You made the account name Yim MIM?!?!?!...he calls EVERYBODY MIMS! Dead giveaway.  Welp. Not for EV!  Prank continues.

I proceed to tell Evie to calm down, she must've just signed up for something that shared her email address with a spam site and to just unsubscribe.  She responds to me and says "I'm not responding to YIM MIM...he sounds Asian and creepy."  She must've opened her welcome letter from the Asian Dating Team...because soon after she writes "OH MY GOSH! This is a male Asian Dating SITE! I'm crying on the bus."  I responded to her message and said "Just open the emails and unsubscribe. You must've signed up for something accidentally."

Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the rocker with Pennie snoozed out on my lap and I start laughing so hard I'm in tears crying.  But holy CRAP! She's on her way home!?!?! She wasn't supposed to be home till 5:00pm!  I've gotta hurry this prank baby up!  So I put Pennie up in her crib and then sent THIS her last dating email from Hu Flung:

So Evie comes home shortly after, laughing SO hard she's in tears!  I'm laughing AT her, but I think she thinks I'm laughing with her. Thank GOODNESS she was laughing when she got home, or I might've blown my cover.

She proceeds to read the profiles that say these men like things she likes "Trucks, ATV's, Beef Jerky..."  Evie is like "LISA!!!!! I hope I'm being pranked. This is really creepy.  These people KNOW ME!!!  How am I going to tell DAD I'm on an Asian dating site!!!???!!"

Next, I decided that as soon as Evie was in on the secret, I was going to recycle this prank on her best friend, Alex.  Approximately TWO SECONDS later she's on the phone...WITH ALEX.  Telling Alex about this whole debacle.  FOILED AGAIN...can't prank Alex.

Alex is the best friend EVER. She's laughing, but of course is very concerned for Evie.  She tells Evie that she better find out where her profile has been activated online and deactivate it.  Because who knows what else this profile says about "her."  So Panicked Evie starts trying to find the website.  WHO KNEW...there is an asianmendating.com!!!!  So Evie gets onto this website AND ACTUALLY FILED A FORMAL COMPLAINT TO THE SITE telling them they violated her privacy and they were creeping her out because SHE DIDN'T AUTHORIZED signing up for this.  (PS -- to file a formal complaint she had to give the site her email address....which they previously had no record of...oops.)

So this is the part where my jokes always go all CHELSEA HANDLER...I took it too far.  I can't rewind the joke, I can't take anything back...but now she is getting legit worked up about the website BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY EXISTS...and SHE shared her information with them to file a complaint about her fake account...  

So basically, this blogpost is my way of telling Evie...um...April Fools!?  Evie is actually sitting next to me watching me crack up while I type.  She keeps saying "Are you blogging about this?"  Well yes, as a matter of fact I am...And to answer my original question of WHO is the APRIL FOOL NOW? Well, that would be me...I really need to plot out my big reveal (as The Joe Schmo Show would say).  Please don't be mad Ev.  I'm such a fool.

And not to worry, you don't have to find a way to tell Dad you're looking for an Asian Man. He can read about it here.  Love you!

April Fools!

A Mother's Guilt

After five months of my new reality, my lack of sleep is finally catching up with me. It's Official....I'm pooped. On top of my extreme fatigue, I've been experiencing these strange instincts or feelings of guilt since becoming a mom. I didn't have expectations going into this parenting thing, and no one is straight up making me feel in-the-wrong, but I just have these moments where I realize I'm  beating myself up emotionally about various motherhood scenarios that result in this inner guilt.  Do other moms feel this way? I guess this post is my way of airing out my dirty laundry in hopes that some of you are willing to admit you know what I'm talking about. Since you know how much I love lists, here it goes:

It look me a month to write this post. This is Pennie helping me blog, parked in her bumbo on Evie's desk.

My Top 5 Self Inflicted Guilt Trips

1. Your House is Too Dirty to Sit Guilt.  This is the guilt I feel when I've been working for 12 hours, I come home, pump, nurse, feed a family, rock a baby to sleep and I decide to sit down for a minute...I instantly start thinking: there's dishes that need washed, laundry that needs done, dogs that want walked....why do you think you can sit?!?!  So you get up and zombie walk to the kitchen to do dishes....for the 4th time today.  
2. The Morning After Guilt.  So I've been hearing all these baby paradise stories about wee ones that sleep through the night at three months. Its been five months and I'm still waiting for my turn for just one measly night of rest. We're still nursing, so this may be contributing, but Pennie wakes up these days about 5-6 times a night. I'm reaching my boiling point, so when I hear those milk thirsty cries I THROW THE COVERS OFF and scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!!!" Tommy wishes he could help but the whole 'not lactating' thing throws a curve ball his direction. So he rubs my back and sweetly kisses my forehead saying "Thank you.", "I'm sorry", or "I love you two." I wake up every morning resenting my sleep deprived reactions and feel like I need to apologize to Tommy AND Pennie.  Tommy, I'm sorry.  I love you too!
3. The Bow Chicka Wow Wow Guilt.  Being married to a hormonal woman who spends half of her time at home with her junk hanging out HAS to be kinda weird for a husband, or maybe it's torture?  Because maybe it puts you in the mood?  Well, having MY knockers sucked and pulled on for the majority of my day by a slobbering, crying baby OR a breast pump doesn't really make me want to do THAT in my "free time."  In the past, going to bed early might have meant 'grown-up FUN time', now it means something else.  Dear Husband, I'm sorry if I'm sending you mixed signals, and I'm sorry that your baby is cock blocking you.  I truly DO feel guilty about it. I promise my lack of mojo isn't permanent.  I'm madly in love with you too.
4. The Working Mom's Guilt. I spend a minimum of 10 hours a day at my workplace.  I'm thankful for a job that provides for my family, and I enjoy what I do for a living.  I also appreciate that it gives me mental stimulation in a world surrounded by stuffed toys, rattles and cartoons.   But after approximately the 9th hour when my boobs feel like they're about to explode, that means I'm ready to go home to my baby.  Once I get home, I pump (again!), nurse a baby (again!), do dishes (again!) and all I want is a little break.  At this point, Tommy or Evie have been juggling house work and a baby all day, so I feel this inner conflict...I miss my baby, and I want to hold her...I also feel like it's my turn to tend to her needs.  But she's busy and needs constantly entertained. This mama is TIRED!  So I feel guilty that I want to volunteer to do things like laundry or dishes (because these things are "a break" now).  
5. The You Don't Need That Guilt. I give many props to caffeinated beverages, as these are what fuel me to getting through a day. To you working-nursing moms who are dodging coffee and wine, I don't know how you do it!  It's what keeps me hanging on to my last ounce of sanity (since everything is measured in ounces for babies).  I have purchased more Starbucks in the past month than I have in the past two years! And the worst part is, it's not boosting my alertness AND I feel guilty about spending money on myself instead of a baby's savings or college fund...

At the end of the day I am eternally grateful for this precious gift of life Tommy and I have been given.  And there isn't a guilty feeling in the world that makes me wish I wasn't going through all of this right now.  I'm motivated constantly by telling myself  "This too shall pass."  And when Pennie has grown out of her majorly needy phase, I'll have pictures to look back and remember her cute bear suit, her drool covered chin, that toothless grin and tiny fingers.  I certainly won't be saving a photo montage of the towers of dirty dishes and piles of unwashed laundry...so those things too shall pass.  But my love for our family can only grow!  

1. 

Pennie Helping me do LAUNDRY! Check her missing sock! (I don't know why stinkin BLOGGER won't let me remove that stupid 1. on the list side of this photo....ARGH!)

The Art of Racing in the Rain

My Friends know that I'm a dog lover and a book reader, so it should come as no surprise that I love LOVE LOOOVED this book!  And even better...Tommy hasn't read it yet! Can you believe it? A book Tommy hasn't read...and he's more of a dog freak than ME!

So this book is about a few things I love: Dogs & Race CARS! I'm NOT going to spoil alert like I usually do with books I have complaints about.  Read it for yourself to find out how awesome it is.  It took me one paragraph to determine I was going to love the story.  It's a story told from a dog's perspective.  I mean, how many times have I wondered to myself "Hurley just winked at me...I wonder what he's thinking?!"  So this book is mega sweet. 

It had moments where I was crying AND laughing, and it has such a happy and somewhat spiritual ending.  This is the perfect written portrayal of 'Man's Best Friend' and any dog lover should read it. 

My new trick since being a Baby Mama, has been downloading kindle books to my smart phone.  I do have a Kindle and I DO love it so much, but it is a little tricky to maneuver with one hand while holding a sleeping baby in my other arm.  So the smart phone gig is a totally convenient reading mechanism for someone with their hands full. 

Download the kindle app (if it didn't come preinstalled on your phone) and then download the ebook and get ta readin, cuz this book rules!  I can't wait till Tommy reads it...he's going to LOVE the end! 

Dear Friends: I'm Sorry!

Dear Friends,

I write to you all in hopes to give you a glimpse and better understanding of what I go through each day.  Yes, I realize my last blog post was on December 2nd.  Am I abandoning the blog? What?! Are you crazy???  No.  I'm wishing I had a third arm so I have 1-2 hands/arms available to blog, while the other hand/arm does something like hold a baby, do the dishes or feed my face....VERY rarely I find myself with 30 seconds of spare time and I think to myself "Do I start a blogpost?...or go take a whiz??..." Then I have to remind myself my sleep deprivation is making me lack better judgement.  I've started leaving sticky notes or phone reminders to do things like take a shower and go to the bathroom.

What's that smell? Oh gosh.  Sorry, that wiff of sour cream is probably my shirt sleeve.  Pennie puked on me and I didn't have a burp rag within arms reach so I had to use my Go-Go-Gadget SHIRT!  Oh how I wish I was Inspector Gadget these days....

I'm sorry I haven't texted you back.  There are a few reasons for this unintentional ignoring.  Yes, I read your text and had every intention of replying. Your text did make me smile AND think of you.  First of all, when I'm holding a sleeping babe I can't risk a ringtone waking her up, so my phone most often is on silent. SECOND of all, auto correct is such an unpredictable pain in the butt...if I don't have two free hands I don't dare text you back.  After trying to respond to Tommy once and say "you got it" and I instead replied "Yeah go tits" I quickly learned texting while holding a baby is like texting while driving...baaaaaad idea.  It sure got Tommy all riled up though ;)

So I was thinking we could go out for dinner sometime and catch up? Oh wait...you know what?  I keep forgetting Pennie usually starts falling asleep around 7:30 and at that point, I need to still go to bed when she does since she's waking up every two hours.  You wanna come over? Eh...well, actually maybe we should hold off on that thought too.  Its been three months since I've been able to clean my house.  Dang, I really need to get on this third arm growing thing...

Thanks for the nice comments on my work wear.  Mostly wearing dresses these days due to the fact that my friggin pants still don't fit, and I can suck my gut in with tummy control tights.  I've been boycotting buying fat pants and occasionally am still wearing my maternity pants with the stretchy band.  Remember when I cried in the maternity store because I thought preggy clothes were preposterous?! What was I thinking?! Never again.  Preggy pants took my Thanksgiving feasting to a whole new level.

Attention chick blog readers.  I interrupt this news broadcast due to a fussy baby.  In keeping with the spirit of this blog post I, trusty husband and faithful father, have stepped in to finish this post for Lis as she has been called away for a feeding by our milk vampire.  Perhaps in another month and a half Lisa will be able to write another blog post and possibly finish it as well.  Until that time go about your lives and think of us as you go to the movies, go out to dinner and get to poo without being interrupted by blood curdling screams of milk lust.  Namaste